Ok, so marriage isn't just puppies and rainbows

I LOVE being married. I would not trade it for one single thing in the whole entire world. But being married is HARD. You are completely changing your life around! You are having to live with one person all of the time and you have to learn to adjust. It has been eating at me the past week or so. I have just felt a bit inadequate. Not that anything really specific has happened, I have just felt like I just can't do things good enough. I burn the cookies, or can't keep the house clean enough, or I can't get the amount of food in the lunch right, or I order the wrong size of garments. I know all of these little things are so silly, but I have felt like such a loser lately! I have known it is all me though and that I was overreacting so I didn't really talk to Spencer about it. Well, Sunday morning comes and I just lose it. I cried bawled. I have only cried this hard I think three times in my life and it is no fun. Spencer was terrified. He has never seen me cry that much before and the fact that my whole body was shaking was not his favorite thing. I couldn't calm myself down. The more I tried, the harder I cried. It got to the point where I really couldn't breathe. My hands started getting really really tingly and weak and I was really lightheaded. I told Spencer that I didn't feel very good and he already knew what was wrong. He kept telling me to take deep breaths but that didn't work very well... about two minutes later he asks me if I wanted a blessing. I said yes. I just laid there on the bed struggling to breathe and he gave me a blessing. He gave me a blessing of comfort. I was so grateful. For one thing, this is the first blessing that Spencer has been able to give me. I wanted him to a couple of times while we were dating but he couldn't because he didn't have authority to. So that was nice that he finally could. Secondly, I was so grateful that no matter what time of day, no matter what was going on, Spencer was worthy and willing to give me a priesthood blessing. During the prayer I was able to focus on the things he was saying and less on the fact that I couldn't breathe. By the end I was still crying, but much less and I could breathe normal. I drank some apple juice and just laid there for a few minutes. Finally, after the hour and a half of crying, I was able to stop. Once I was sufficiently calm, Spencer and I actually talked about how I was feeling and I was able to do it without crying. He told me that he had no idea I was feeling like that at all and that I have to tell him because he just thinks I'm being crazy and doesn't know what to do with me. That's something I learned: The less I talk about it, the less sane he thinks I am.... :)

I know this sounds so pathetic, and even as I sit here typing about it, I realize how ridiculous I'm being, but it was a really good moment for Spencer and I. As we were laying in bed afterwards, he told me that he liked these moments when I cried; not because he liked to see me cry, but usually when I do, we get closer somehow. This time was no exception. I told him that I don't like the times that I cry, but I like the rainbows after the storm. I like the fact that after a huge fit like that and a really long time of him not really knowing what to do, Spencer is still able to hold me, kiss my head, and tell me he loves me. I am grateful for his patience and his love. I think there is only one other person that could have done that for me and that is my mom, but I'm not going to lie, having my husband do it was a bit better.... :) I know that life isn't all puppies and rainbows, but there are still those happy moments in the midst of despair if you have the spirit.

One other happy thing that happened this past week is Spencer and I were given a car from my grandpa! It is a 1994 Toyota Camry and it is red. It has some engine problems, but it works for now and it is OURS. We are so blessed and grateful.

Our first Easter together was not what we expected and not what we even wanted, but I am grateful for it. We ended up missing church because about 25 minutes before it started was when my crying turned into crazy. After we ate lunch, we sat and watched some of the Saturday morning session of conference. It was so nice to sit and watch it in the quiet. Our life is crazy, but we are pulling through and when people ask me (which happens almost daily) how married life is, I say EVERY time, "WONDERFUL!"