Though you may feel weary, though you sometimes may not be able to see the way, know that your Father in Heaven will never forsake His righteous followers. He will not leave you comfortless. He will be at your side, yes, guiding you every step of the way.
-Elder Joseph B Wirthlin
I really want to get this story down somewhere because of what a huge blessing it was to me and so that I can have it to remember in as much detail as possible. It may be long but it's important!
I have really struggled being a working mom. It didn't bother me so much at first, but as Brynlee gets older it gets harder and harder. She cries more, sleeps less, and is constantly telling me "No work mommy!" or when she asks to do something, I will start it for her and she always asks "Mommy do it with me?" It breaks my heart to have to tell her no so often that I won't do things with her. It also makes my evenings really stressful since I can't even start dinner until after 6 and then I am usually so tired that I have almost no energy to do anything at night.
*DISCLAIMER: I know a lot of people have problems way bigger and do much harder things. I do. But this is a trial that I have been dealing with and so I'm going to tell it like it is.*
I go through phases where I just really feel like I can't do it anymore. There is too much going on, Brynlee is being stubborn, and I just can't. I usually talk to my mom about it and she has told me time and time again that I just need to stop working, have faith, and my life would be so much happier. I always told her that I was sure that it would, but the math didn't add up on paper. We needed my income.
The past few months we have made a couple of trips to the ER plus multiple doctor's visits because of Spencer's heart. We still aren't sure exactly what is going on, but we did find out that his dad's new insurance is really terrible and doesn't cover almost anything. Too bad we figured that out AFTER we got the bills. Let's just say, $1800 later in ER bills plus $500 in doctor's visits and tests wasn't in the plans. Luckily his parents are AMAZING and since we didn't know what we were getting into (they didn't even know either!) they totally have helped us lessen that financial burden and we are SO grateful. But still. Not in the plans. Also, back in May our second car died. We knew it was coming one day, but weren't ready when it did. We ended up buying a new (to us) car which added a car payment to our monthly bills. We are also paying for insurance (don't even get me started...) which is unbelievable unrealistic. Then add to the fact that financial aid isn't helping with school anymore and when Spencer transfers over to ASU soon we are going to be adding those bills. But anyways. We are basically at a point where almost every single penny is going to bills. And that's ok, but it is not comfortable. And it just gave me NO hope of ever getting to stop working. Especially once the new baby comes in December.
I didn't know what to do. I really don't want to work, I have faith that being a mom is what I need to do, and I didn't know how I was going to work with a toddler and a newborn, but I was going to do it because it was what needed to be done.
Well one morning I just lost it. I called my mom and was just
bawling my eyes out telling her that I couldn't do it anymore. Brynlee was making no progress in the potty training development (even though she actually was), she was sleeping terribly which made our days really long and nap time stressful, we didn't have any answers to Spencer's medical stuff even after we paid for hundreds of dollars in tests, and I was just overwhelmed. I felt like my plate was the size of a quarter and I had a Thanksgiving sized feast I was trying to fit on it. Then add on pregnancy hormones and no ability to nap and it was a perfect storm.
Again my mom said, "It sounds like your life is in a tornado right now and you just need to sit down, figure out the things you have control over and the things that you don't. And I promise it will be so much better if you just stop working". "I know" I would say, "but I just don't see a way out." I decided that morning that I was going to stop spending extra money. I wasn't going to buy stuff here and there, I wasn't going to go out to eat (which is a big deal for me), and I was going to try really hard at meal planning so that our grocery bill would be smaller. I was determined. More determined than I had been any of the other times that I had decided the same thing.
"The only thing you need to worry about is striving to be the best you can be. And how do you do that? You keep your eye on the goals that matter most in life, and you move towards them step by step." -Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin
That was my first step.
That day I got an email from my boss. She was asking me if I had thought any more about how much time I was going to take for maternity leave. I had decided to tell her 6 weeks (which feels like a long time but I think it's actually less than most people take). I also told her I had been mulling over the idea of having less hours when I came back for a while until I got used to working with two kids. I was so scared to send that email because I didn't want her to think that it isn't worth it to keep me around. So you imagine my horror when the email I get back says, "Ok, I need to talk with you. When would be a good time?" My heart just sank. Every bad scenario was playing in my brain. I told her now would be fine so she gave me a call. Without going into boring work terms, one of the companies we do liking for had been sold and it was the one I work in. She said that after the first of the year we would most likely not be doing their linking anymore. She said there was a possibility of letting people go but that they were going to try to rearrange.
At this point I was pretty sure the next line coming out of her mouth would be, "So we won't have a job for you once you come back".
Then she said, we are mostly likely going to have to cut back your hours. I asked her how much and she said probably less than half of what I am doing now (25 hours a week). She also said that she would have to switch me to a morning shift.
Most people who received this call would have been upset, hurt, and even angry. But this is how I saw it.
1. Less hours: I had already asked for less hours and thought that was making them mad, but it turns out that it might have even helped me! From what I can gather, I might only work about 10 hours a week once I go back to work which is about 2 hours a day. That would be AMAZING!! I actually don't even hate the work I do and it makes me feel like I am contributing, but 6 hours a day is just too long. It will also make me not completely lose my income, but just reduce it.
2. Morning shift: When I first got this job a year ago the afternoon shift was perfect. Brynlee slept almost the whole time and then she just played really good after that. Well now that she is a year older and is a busy two year old, the afternoons are really hard. She is just grumpy and wants my attention. The great things is, she is so good in the mornings. She has just had a good nights' rest, breakfast, and hasn't had to be by herself at all that day. Half the time I can do chores or talk on the phone and she just plays perfect by herself. What a perfect change at the perfect time to let me get the part of the day where I can't give her my attention out of the way while she is well behaved.
3. Timing wise: My maternity leave will start roughly the first week in December. 6 weeks from then will be mid January which is when I would come back. The first of January is when they start all of the changes. That means that they will have two weeks to rearrange, put people where they need to go, figure out the hours, and know that I will be coming in a week or two. It seriously could not have worked out more perfectly timing wise.
4. Money wise: It's going to be a big pay cut for me. But I am hoping that I can use the next three months to get the hang of the whole no spending extra money thing so that once that happens it's not going to be such a drastic life style change. Our electricity drops DRASTICALLY next month so we will have a little bit of extra money there. We are also on payment plans for all of our hospital bills, school payments, and extra expenses. Turns out, we will finish paying off ALL of them (except
maybe one) by January. Which is right when I will go back to work. So even though I will have less of a paycheck, most of the things that we need it for at this point will be taken care of (assuming of course nothing else drastic happens before then). There is still the case of the hospital bill for when this baby is born, but the perfect timing of that is that we will get our taxes back in Feb/March which I think is right when we will get the hospital bill. We always get a good chunk back, plus we will have another baby, so we should hopefully be able to pay off that bill in full and put a large payment down on our car to lower our monthly payment! Spencer also gets a Christmas bonus and
possibly a raise so we will still have some money for Christmas.
I know this all seems really jumbled and all over the place, but that day was like that huge puzzle that you have had out and working on for months and then you sit down one time and all of the pieces just seem to fit right where they are supposed to and the picture just gets clearer and clearer.
Here is the answer to my prayer.
For months I have had this burning desire to stop working, this constant longing to just be a mom, a constant prayer in my heart, and no idea how to make it happen. We sat down, did our budget, and I made a choice. I did what needed to be done on my part to work towards that goal. THAT. DAY. I got the call from my boss with this complete and perfect answer to that prayer. It was my way out. It was my answer from Heavenly Father saying, "You can do this, and here is how." It wasn't
me choosing to stop working (I felt like if I did and we weren't making it financially than it would be my fault), but it was them
forcing me. Which means that we are going to be able to make it work with what we have.
When Brynlee asks me to watch a movie with her, color with her, play Barbie's with her, I can say YES.
I WILL GET TO BE A MOM.
"Teaching in the home is becoming increasingly important in today’s world, where the influence of the adversary is so widespread and he is attacking, attempting to erode and destroy the very foundation of our society, even the family. Parents must resolve that teaching in the home is a most sacred and important responsibility." - Elder L Tom Perry
I KNOW that is something that is so important and I am so glad that I have been given my way to do this teaching.
It literally felt like 5,000 pounds had been lifted off of my shoulders. I could breathe again. And although scary and unknown, I knew that it was going to be ok and I felt so good about it. I pretty much did nothing but cry that entire rest of the day because I was so happy to have this huge answer to the question I had been having for months. I felt so at peace.
I talked to Spencer when he got home and told him my story. He was not as happy as me, let's just say that. But he could see in me that I knew. He could tell how happy I was and how much of a burden it took off of me. And it's nice because it's not happening right now. We have a few months to prepare and to get ourselves ready for this change.
I know we are going to be ok. I have faith that because I am doing what Heavenly Father put me on this Earth to do, that I will be able to do it. It's not going to be easy, and it's going to take WORK and EFFORT on my half to make it. But I am willing to put in that work. I have done much better at not eating out and spending money and am trying to be better every day.
There is still a chance that they are going to let me go, but I feel like I have been there on the longer side and am good enough at what I do that they will at least try to keep me.
Two of the quotes I posted are from this talk. If you feel tired, discouraged, or that you don't have a way out. You should read/listen to it and feel the love I felt from my Heavenly Father as I read it.
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2001/10/one-step-after-another?lang=eng
