Honestly, I love being a mom more than anything in the world. Every day I get to see my sweet daughter growing, learning, and gaining her own personality. She is mine. I made her, I am raising her, and I will always be her mom. One of the things I have had a hard time with, though, is what my purpose is. I know that my purpose is to raise my kids and to build a good home, but that's a hard thing to see happening day to day. All of your life you are working towards something. When you are little, you are learning your letters, learning how to write your name, getting excited for every year that comes because you get to do something new. As you grow, you are working on school, having a job, or doing sports that literally give you something to do every single day. You are working towards graduation. Once you graduate, a lot of people go to college. You are working on a college diploma and have classes and homework and projects to keep you busy. You are also working on finding the person you want to spend the rest of your life with and getting married. Once that happens, you are working on developing your relationship, lots of times still working on school or your jobs, and working on starting a family. Once you have a kid though, it really seems like there is nothing more to work towards. I am still struggling with this a little bit because even though every day is an accomplishment in raising Brynlee, what do I have to show for it? I spend days at home where, by the time I go to bed, I feel like I got absolutely nothing accomplished. How is that working towards something? It's hard for me to look at my life and see that I have pretty much reached my peak and my life is now a strait line. I have always been someone that works hard to get things done. I like checklists, projects, and goals. What are my goals? What are my projects? The only things I am checking off of my checklist is writing blogs, cleaning the bathrooms, and taking a shower (sometimes...). I have decided that I am going to come up with some goals to keep me motivated.
- I am going to try to serve more. I feel so much better and don't feel full of self pity when I am thinking of others and making sure someone else is happy instead of myself.
- I am going to try and get Brynlee's scrapbook moving. I have almost all of the supplies, I just need to get her pictures in the mail.
- I am going to work on my cooking and getting organized. I thrive on organization and structure.
- I am going to work on making new friends (more on that later)
- I am going to look away from the screens and spend more face to face time with my husband and my daughter.
- I am going to work on visiting teaching.
I am writing this to keep myself accountable and to let other moms struggling with this know that there is always someone else out there going through the same thing.
I have also been having a hard time making new friends. I have a very small circle of friends, and almost none of them live within visiting distance on a regular basis. I have been in this ward for a year now and know very, VERY few people. I don't know what happened. I used to be such an outgoing, friendly, and confident person. I am not that person anymore. I feel so uncomfortable around people I don't know, and would rather stay at home alone and mope instead of putting myself out there. My mom said that I'm rusty. And maybe that's true! I am an adult. I have a child. I am allowed to have other mom friends, and go to play dates, and go on walks with people in my complex, and go to relief society activities. I am ready to be an adult in my ward and get involved. I have awesome visiting teachers and when they came to visit me on Sunday, they really helped me. Randa somehow remembered that I had told her I was going to better at visiting teaching and asked me about it! Even though I hadn't quite gotten on it yet, I was so impressed that she had listened remembered, and was keeping me on track. She even texted the VT supervisor and got my companion's name and who I visit. She rocks!
I am going to make some new friends. I need friends. It is not productive or healthy to sit at home all day alone and do nothing. If I am going to be happy and successful, I need to get a little bit of 'old Chelsey' back and get my butt in gear.
I have also been feeling like I need a money coach. Someone to whip me into shape and show me how to run our financial lives. After a really amazing talk with my parents a couple of weeks ago, Spencer and I decided to start with a budget and go from there. We sat down, wrote out our budget, and made a plan. It was really amazing because the morning we were going to do our budget, a blog I follow posted a "Family Binder"on her blog. I looked at it and found a link to none other than a " Budget Binder ". It was exactly what I needed. It lays out finances so perfectly and has really put everything into perspective. She also had a checklist that I printed out. I was so grateful for this and it has already made a big difference. I am so much happier. I have actually been thinking about money and thinking about where it's all going and what I can do to use our money more effectively.
(She has a ton of free printables on her website, check her out! I love her!)
Basically, I needed a life cleanse. I needed time to start over with diet, money, friends, sleep, a clean house, and a refill of patience. Unfortunately, that isn't ever possible. I do feel like we have gotten off to a good start though, and I encourage any of you that are reading this to re-evaluate your life and make changes that will help you be in a happier place. If you feel sad and lonely, go out and find someone to serve. If you are having financial trouble, put it down on paper and figure it out today. If you need a friend, be a friend. I can't tell you how many times I have said to myself, "I just really need someone to come to my door, ask me if I am ok, invite me to do something, and give me a hug". What I have realized is that if I want friends to come to my door, I have to be a friend to them first.
I hope any part of this is helpful to someone. I really have been so much happier since I started moving in a direction. I feel like I have more purpose (even though I'm not sure what it is yet) and feel like I am becoming a better person instead of sitting stagnant waiting for someone to come help me out of my rut. I'm helping myself, and it feels amazing!
Good job, Chelsey! I am glad that you understand how you are feeling and why you are feeling that way. That's a big deal. I think all moms can relate to the way you feel in one regard or another. I've thought lots of times about how I used to be (so fun and out-going, friendly, laughed a lot, etc.) Things do change. My responsibilities, priorities, church callings, obligations, body, bills, sleep schedule, jobs, etc. have changed. I'm 12 years older than when I got married. It makes sense that things change, but it does still make me feel sad from time to time that I'm not that same fun person. So.....I guess figuring out how to be the best me and thrive and be happy at each stage of life would be time well spent. Good luck! Love ya!
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